Burlap Sack - Reproduced from The Gateway

Republished from Gateway November 3rd, 2010

Dear City Centre Mall's marketing department geniuses,

I am sacking you today for your insipid ad in the University LRT station, which states, "The last thing the world needs is another girl in sweats." I've got a lot of things on my plate. Global warming, economic collapses, James Cameron's ego — the list goes on. Sure, there are many things that I, The World, don't need to deal with. We all could have done without a Justin Bieber memoir or Sex and the City II.

But let's keep our priorities straight here. Jeans, trousers, sweatpants — it makes no real difference to me as long as I don't have to deal with roughly half of the student body carousing around with frost-bitten backsides.

Considering the poor bastards are spending large quantities of time stuffed into tiny desks and surviving on a diet of Edo, Subway, and A&W, sweatpants are a small but satisfying alternative to the skintight jeans your ad showcases as the appropriate apparel. For the record, trying to start a boycott against sweatpants at a university is about as productive as a one-armed trapeze artist with an itchy ass.

So back off sweatpants, before I put on my burlap pants and sack you a good one.