Burlap Sack - Reproduced from The Gateway

To my more fabulous fellow students, I am begging you, put the weapons down. That magnificent genuine leather product you have swinging under your arm certainly does make a statement and it’s screaming, “I am armed and dangerous.” As cherished as I’m sure your purse is, when it comes down to it, it’s just a thing — and it’s loaded with your wallet, keys, cat food, bricks, and other daily essentials that on their own might be insubstantial. But when you condense all these knick-knacks into one fashionable and accessible collection, it becomes a deadly weapon.

Sure, your purse is an “investment piece,” but might I ask you to put aside a few dollars for a purse hook, thus saving me from the necessity of wandering aimlessly through my classroom, looking for a purse-free chair? And quit giving me those dirty looks — I’m not asking you to put your child on the floor.

As for your dramatic exit, when you swing your purse onto your shoulder to flounce off into the sunset, please give yourself at least a clear two-foot radius, so there you don’t inadvertently Fendi me in the gut. Ladies, you might be carrying a purse, but watch yourselves, ‘cause I’m toting a burlap sack.